The road to greatness is paved with broken hearts

I always blog when I am at a low or a high. I am nothing, if not consistent. I don't blog to get words out about a cause or to sell things online. I don't even blog with the intent of making people read it. I blog to make myself feel better and to move past something I struggle with. Its my therapy.

I noticed lately how many broken hearts are in my life...RL, SL, Plurk. Not just broken from a loving relationship, but maybe from a friendship, or a job, or just the woes of life in general. It saddens me to watch people hurt and I want to hug them tight. I try to say all the right things to make them feel better but I also go overboard sometimes.

I know a guy that spends so much time being miserable because all he has in a SL relationship. While I empathize with my lack of a RL relationship right now, all I can think right now is shame on him. Love is love, in any form or world imho. My SL relationships help to get me through most days and through a lot of the horrible, nasty things that have been thrown at me in the last four years. By all means, if you are in an unhappy or unhealthy in a relationship, whatever world you are in...get out...run away. I will be the first to stand up and say, "been there, done that!" But, geesh, don't take out your physical distance on a person. On the flip side, if you are crazy for someone and have the courage (unlike I do), tell them how you feel!

Sometimes just knowing that there is someone out there that loves you, that totally floats your boat and rocks your world is enough to make you smile when you awaken or when you fall to sleep. Falling in love with someone ignores distance and time spent with them, no matter the length makes everything else in any life a little better.

Your heart can't help who it loves and for that matter, who it doesn't love. You heart can just hope that the one it chooses to fall for, falls right back at it or at least picks up on the subtle hints and lays a fluffy pillow down so it doesn't hurt so badly when it falls to pieces on the floor when the feelings aren't reciprocated.

They say that there is someone out there for all of us. That someone may be next door to us, in the next town or country or even many, many miles away. We never know til we take a chance. Broken hearts are a part of the process unfortunately.

I am a very strong person and put great passion behind just about everything I do or touch in this life. I falter from time to time but my friends pick me back up and dust me off. I can think of a few SL people that will IM me in a heartbeat to kick my ass back into gear if I start spiraling out of control. I have made huge mistakes with people, some that I admire greatly and will forever be sorry for them..I am human.

I just like to think that for all the times my heart has ached or broken, those times pave the road to the great love I am waiting to find. (I just hope the road doesn't go on for miles/kilometers)

If your heart is hurting, I am here for you. Never ever feel like you are alone. I am just an IM or PP away for a hug. We all need someone to cling to through the bad times as well as share the good. xxx

Gila Monster spit, really?? Why yes, yes it is!

First diagnosed as a diabetic in 1987, gestational diabetes while pregnant with my son. Gestational diabetes occurs during pregnancy and usually goes away shortly after the baby is born. Which it did, to my knowledge.

I lived 22 years after that with no issue or so I thought. In 2009, I had knee surgery. A great friend of mine came to stay with me and help me out. He cooked, drove me around, got my meds and took wonderful care of me. His name is Rekeorb Wezzog, some of you may know him from SL. How many of you can say that a fellow SLer, someone you met virtually, saved your life? I can!

While recovering from surgery, I was on several meds for pain, antibiotics, etc. One of these drugs elevated my blood sugar so high that I almost went into a diabetic coma, or so they tell me. I do not remember much of that morning other than yelling at poor Reke that I didn't want to be at the hospital and wanting to die. Had it not been for Reke taking me to the hospital, I probably wouldn't be here now.

Since that time, I have dieted and exercised some and tried hard to do all the right things to keep my blood sugar where it should be. They had even given me several oral medications to help. Even with all this, its been a struggle. Even when I follow the diabetic diet to the letter of the law, I still couldn't get my blood sugar down to where my doctor wanted it to be.

Last year, I was very sick. If you have read the blog, you know this already. While sick, I had nausea and was depressed and I ate foods that made me feel better. Whether the foods were good for me or not, I didn't care at that time. During this time, I gained some weight. This has also become a struggle for me...gets harder to lose when you age.

At the beginning of this year (2011), I made a vow to make myself better (inside and out). I began dieting hard, 1200 calories a day. Ignoring the foods that my coworkers were eating, which is hard lol...damn them! I have even carried my own lunch into restaurants that they were eating in if the restaurant had nothing that I could have on the menu. My coworkers laugh at me for my food choices and call me the artichoke queen now. (nicknames are terms of endearment, right??) From Jan 1 thru May 26, I had lost 21 lbs. by diet alone. Extremely hard!!! I did cheat and have cupcakes at my son's wedding lol

On May 26th, I went to the doctor to have my checkup. He congratulated me on the weight loss but he gave me hell on my blood sugar level. wth?? He asked me how I felt about needles. I said, I hate them lol. He asked if it was something I could get over in order to try a new drug. I asked if it would help, he said yes, and I was sold. "I can do this!," I told myself. He pulled out a package that contained what looked like a 'sharpie' and pulled off the cap. He attached a needle to this pen and showed me how to inject it into my belly. Painless needle ftw!

As I drove home from his office though, I began to cry. My mom was also diabetic (type 1) and was on insulin for half of her life. My Dad is type 2 like me and is on oral meds. My mom didn't follow diet as she should have and passed away in her 50s, way way too young. I don't want to die that young and no matter what I had done to this point, nothing was working. I thought about her and the day I learned how to give her the insulin in case she couldn't, thought about the stroke she had in her 40s where she lost use of her left side, and I thought about the second stroke which landed her in a nursing home far too young and less than a year into my Dad's retirement and three months after they moved into the dream home they worked so hard to build. Ok, crying again and regrouping here.

I took this pen thing home and enough needles for 30 days worth of injections at 2 times a day. I have faithfully taken the shots twice a day. The first week was total ick. I was so so sick. I forced myself though that first week and I felt a little better. The only thing that makes me sick now is red meat. I can live with that. I miss steak though!

I spoke of these injections the other night to my friends in SL, sitting around a greedy table as we do very often. I mentioned the name of the drug, 'Exenatide' and it didn't take long before the googling started. I love them for that. I learned so much the other night. I learned that Exenatide is a synthetic form of Gila Monster saliva. Who knew??? If you ever want to find something out, tell a Greedy table full of librarians :)

"Exenatide augments pancreas secretion in response to eating meals, helping to lower the rise of blood sugar levels from eating." This is just one of the many benefits that I have had the privilege of encountering. My blood sugar levels, fasting and after meals, have dramatically decreased and are really close to where they need to be. OMG, finally!

Today, I went to the doctor and found I had lost 11 lbs in the past month on this new wonderful drug, reduced my blood sugar levels and raised my spirits.

I decided to blog again because of the results I have had with these injections. If you are a diabetic or know one that can benefit from this...please tell them. Also, next time you see a Gila Monster give him big kisses for me! :*

500, What It Means To Me...

Today, I will hold my 500th trivia event in Second Life. I have so much that I want to say and I figured that I would do it here instead of in-world during the event because I do not want to bore everyone to tears.
I knew that I was getting close to the 500 mark and as it got closer, I started counting to find out what day it would fall on. It was scheduled to be yesterday but Thursday's trivia got postponed. When that happened, it would have fallen this coming Thursday but we already have a very special event (Cyg's 7th Rez Day) scheduled and I did not want to take away from that celebration. So I chose the only logical day in my mind, Valentine's Day.

It's sort of fitting in my mind that it falls on a day of love and appreciation. Trivia has always been my constant in SL, the one thing that never let me down. It has seen me through some sad and trying times and it has brought me many, many laughs. I have made lasting relationships and I have grown as a person all due to this thing we call 'trivia.' It has always been my love.

Someone asked me yesterday how I kept track. I am sort of obsessive with using calendars and I save everyone I have ever written. I counted all of my regular trivia games at Shiraz, Double Standards, Monochrome, New Trivia Monkeys, the Trailer Park and Herd Thinners. I did not count trivia events where I covered for someone that crashed, nor did I count events I did for stores like the Goddess Apparel grand opening, the four or so events at CultureCannibals store and sim, several special one-off events like OpSquee, and I didn't count over 2 years of Chaos Trivia because it wasn't until the very end that I started doing trivia, up til that point, I was the toychest keeper and the daremistress.

History of SL trivia from my Rez Date to Present (through my eyes):
I rezzed on 10/25/2007 and the first place I found myself on the grid was a place called Goldbar where Gogomodo Trivia was running and this is where I met Scotty. Scotty is no longer an avie in SL but most of you know him by another name now. He was so so nice to me, helped to de-newbify me and showed me Trivia Monkeys where I had the pleasure of meeting Thornton, Mako, Circe, Josh, Maria, Fanceey and countless others. Then one night, Scotty took me to Shiraz....and by 12/03/2007, I was hosting live trivia there. LOL, this was quite the hurdle for an RL shy person who has trouble ordering pizza from a stranger on the phone.

Many things happened for me and to me at Shiraz and with trivia. We took that club from Fri and Sat nights to running it 7 days a week. It wasn't always the greatest trivia, but it was constant. You will never ever hear me claim to be the first SL trivia host as it simply is not true. Triana and a few others, who's names I can no longer remember were before me. Just as Shiraz was not the first live trivia on the grid.

I'm not the first to host, nor will I be the last. I don't write the best trivia, nor the worst. The one thing I am quite proud of and that will be my legacy to SL trivia is the 'countdown gesture.' I listened week after week to players asking for warning before questions and I was trying to think of a way to do that. I made a gesture and it worked like a charm. This was early/mid 2008. The original gesture counted down from 5 and I changed it to 3 shortly thereafter. It makes me smile that almost every host uses this now, some without realizing how it started. I am simply happy that it worked and became a fixture in trivia.

By late 2008, trivia was starting to saturate SL. New people were hosting and by 2009 a lot of smaller venues were beginning to come about. This meant coming up with new and different ways to host. We always had themed and general trivia, but we needed something more. By 2010, to me, this is where the strong hosts started to shine. They found their niches.

There are only so many ways to ask a question, only so many themes, only so many ideas or names you can put on trivia...and then, you duplicate! For the love of God and trivia, it happens. I say this in sincerity and with respect. In late 2008, I started to do trivia based on the letters of the alphabet. I was working multiple times a week at Shiraz and sometimes multiple times a day there. I didn't do the Letter theme consistently and I made it to the letter P on my final night at Shiraz (where I danced on a Pole lol). My point is this....yep, I did letters of the alphabet trivia for a while but Cully made it hers. Mine were meh, where hers just shines. She excelled at making that "her event." The same with smartass answers...I saw several hosts pay for this and I even made random payouts long before Double Standards existed...but I will always associate smartass trivia with Luci as she stood on the stage at Double Standards each week because it was consistently paid on each question and she had such fun with it.
It isn't widely known that Rekeorb started Name That Tune at Shiraz and moved it to Monochrome, because Rach, Billy and Thurina have put their hearts into making it theirs. Just as I associate these hosts....Lotus=bingo calls & night owls, Mako=his long questions and informative answers, Thornton=caboose, Lette=Birthday Suit Trivia, Ana=picture board, Lou=twang, Jeanette=linked questions, Billy=headbanging, Nelly=Nelliminator & Depp, Circe=critters & there had to be one, Juke=not knowing what the next event will be called lol, NSG (Nonsmokergirl)=Deal or No Deal with the heckling zebra, etc....please forgive me, as I know I haven't listed other hosts that are also important. Its not who does it or did it first, its who does it best by putting their heart into it and making it a consistent piece of SL trivia....making it their own, their niche. Of course, it is courtesy to ask to borrow ideas, but sometimes you don't always know.

I respect trivia and the hosts that bring it to us each day/week. I appreciate the individuality and the energy that each of the hosts bring to the table. Without the variety, the fun, the love of doing it, the players and the fellow hosts that support us each week, I would not be at my 500th event today. I can stand there as a host and paste my questions into open chat, but without players there....there is no 'event.'

With my sincere thanks from the bottom of my heart for 499 so far,
Honey

Thanksgiving....the true meaning :)

Wow, this has been one tough year! I am a "list-maker" so I will list the items that I struggled with throughout 2010.
1) Divorce and a tormenting Ex - the separation started a few years ago but the divorce was final this year. The tormenting things have yet to end. Just today found out someone put a hold on my mail. Dorkhead.
2) I lost my Great Dane, Kayleigh. Those who have loved and lost pets can empathize some. She was more than that to me. She was my rock...the one who would lay beside me at night and show me I wasn't alone. Its a huge loss when you lose a companion, even more so when the companion weighs over 200 lbs. That sense of emptiness is more apparent than ever. She was more than just a dog, she was a huge (in all senses of the word) part of my life. She allowed me to meet people, to gain access to the world in ways I couldn't do alone. Through my volunteer work with her, and the way she drew people to her, I found a way to communicate without having make a first move. In her short life, she gave me a huge gift by allowing me to live and interact with the outside world in ways I cannot do alone.
3) I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. Over the past many months (which to me seem like a lifetime), I have been going through radiotherapy. I won't get into the details, but the treatments are icky. When I found out, it was my choice (right or wrong) to not share the diagnosis with anyone in my RL. I didn't want the sympathy in my workplace and my son is starting a wonderful life on his own and I didn't want the added stress to him. I knew I needed some support, someone to vent to, to share with...so I chose to share with my SL/Plurk friends.

I have had several other things happen this year which have exacerbated the three situations above, both in SL and RL. Like the flood that recently happened damaging the main floor of my house, dealing with the dorkhead contractor on my own and whatnot, getting engaged and unengaged in sl and rl and its been so on and off that I am not sure at this very moment if its on or off. Even small things like being defriended for small reasons took their toll on me at times....sad to say.

Ok, now that all that crazy explanation is out of the way and I am bursting with joy....I say to you.....

I got a phone call about an hour ago from my doctor. He said to me..."I usually wait to call patients until Monday morning but I just had to call you today. You are now the proud owner of what appears to be a cancer-free body." I screamed at the poor man lol. I am not sure what I screamed but I do remember screaming lol. I am so fucking happy! And yes, I just used the f word. If you read this, Juke, thanks for being online today when I just needed to tell someone my news. :)

List of things I am thankful for:
-I no longer have to go through those treatments and I have this huuuuuge weight off of my shoulders and I can sleep tonight not wondering if I will get better someday.
-I was strong enough thru all of this to not have to take medical leave at work and as bad as the treatments were, they were localized and I never lost a hair on my head. Those who have met me, I love my long hair.
-My Petey made it through surgery yesterday and is home now with me again. He and my other pup, Jaxx, will be back to playing in no time.
-My son is happy and for the most part healthy. Doctors determined his panic attacks were happening due to stress and have somehow subsided and aren't happening anymore.
-My Dad is still around with me and as long as he is here to aggravate me, that's all good :)
-I have a job that I love to go to each day and coworkers that never cease to make me laugh when I need it most. Accountants get a bad rep for being boring....not these guys lol.
-I have a home (albeit a home too big for one person), but its mine and I am enjoying making it just that.
-Last but not least, I have SL and I have my friends there. I have Trivia Monkeys and Monochrome and Herd Thinners and all the wonderful people that come along with those venues. I have my avie, Honey, which has allowed me the same freedom to meet people as my Kayleigh once did. She is me deep down, but somehow and I can't explain why....she allows me to communicate which I have such difficulty doing in RL. Host trivia in RL? omg no way, I would be mortified by my shyness lol. SL and the support of my friends allows for that inworld.

Those friends in world that listen and give kind words, those friends that don't think twice about saying, "Honey/Joelle, I love you".....those people that would drop whatever they were working on just to chat, those kind souls that actually care, the small gestures, the looking past the bouts of whining, or feeling sorry for myself...to see the real me and know that there is more to me than the lonliness and the pain and that I would do the same for them...yep, you guys! You unselfish, sweet, wonderful, awesome people! You have no idea what that alone means to me.

This year, one of the worst years I have ever had, I am truly sincerely and overwhelmingly grateful. I am gushing with gratefulness!!

A person doesn't make themselves strong....they don't just get through life on their own. A person is made and a person gains the strength needed to tackle what life throws at them through those people they are lucky enough to have in their lives. Thanks to those that surrounded me this year...thanks for your strength.

Almost 3 years, somethings will never change...

As I approach my 3rd rez day in Second Life, I look back at all the memories I have stored in my head....some good, some not so good.

I remember first signing onto SL, rezzing on a floating circular object, bald and naked. No directions, no helpers there. I remember thinking to myself, wth am I doing haha. I learned how to fly (not sure how I managed that) and I flew to another circular platform that gave instructions on clothes....horrible, horrible clothes. I then made my silly long, red newbie hair because we didn't have prim hair to work with at that time in the 'library'.

I remember making my very first SL friend, we met at a strip club running trivia. I was dancing on some disk thingy (camping for lindens) and he was dressed in a safari outfit presumably from a Marine Park costume event (as I look back now, it makes sense). I remember thinking, what cool clothes he has here lol. He adopted me and showed me how to leave that place and explore. Back then (2007), SL wasn't as easy to navigate and find your way around. I remember flying and flying til I found the strip trivia place to hang out in. Had it not been for his kindness, I would probably still be camping there.

My first friend is also responsible for TPing me into to an awesome place called Trivia Monkeys. :) This is where I met so many wonderful friends and discovered my love for trivia. Dancing on the bar there, playing trivia, chatting with people all over the world. It was quite an awesome experience for me.

Some friendships from Monkeys faded while others developed closer as time passed. There are different paths in SL...the path to stray from the familiar and the path to remain comfortable. Just as in RL. I wish I could say I am a risk taker, but I rarely am. My biggest SL risk was leaving the 'S' place to host at other venues.

I sometimes wish that I could shake the shyness deep within myself while I am behind these keys, but even in SL I find that extremely difficult....yep, even 3 years later. I pay quite dearly for this shyness as I miss a lot of good conversations and getting to know a lot of people I would like to know. Strong personalities are my best friends. Until I get very, very comfortable with people, they need to make that first move in the conversation breaching. It also leads to some thinking I am not so friendly or don't want to chat with them. Its not that at all, I am just horribly shy.

I sit most times alone at fishing contests or at my home or at NTM, wishing I could just open up an IM box to one of the friends on my list and ask them what they are up to or if they want to do something...but I just can't. I can't bring myself to that point, my mind always talks me out of it by saying that the other person if probably busy doing something else.

I have good memories and I have bad ones. I have met the nicest, gentlest people and I have met those people that are so downright horrible and cruel. I like to think that the good have far outweighed the bad.

There are others out there like me, new residents and old...those small random acts of kindness speak volumes to us. Those IMs that come into our boxes asking how we are or just saying hello each day mean everything. I don't want those to go unnoticed and I am not sure why it is easier for me to write in blog-form vs. telling these wonderful people myself. I guess I will never know why that is.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for including me in your SL and sometimes RL lives and I thank you for taking the time to read this.

Letter to the unwanted

Dear you lame-ass, energy-sucking, life-depleting disease,

I have so much I need to do...
-see my son get married.
-refinance my home
-watch my ex-husband suffer for all the evil he has done
-finish my masters degree
-continue to keep my career in tact
-adopt more dogs
-travel to all the places I want to see
-cultivate happiness and love
-and laugh and have many, many more smiles.

I don't need you, never asked for you and I don't want you here. You make me feel sorry for myself and you make me feel alone. You enable me to alienate myself. Things that once were a joy have become a chore thanks to you. All the sleepless nights, the pain, and the times when I have so many problems waking up in the mornings to go to work are all attributable to your power.

You have made me a liar to my friends and my family. You've made me watch my son cry before, and I can't bear to go through that again. I want to be alone now because of you even though I know I can't fight you by myself. You have taken more from me than my health...more than you will ever know. You destroy relationships and cause people to fear you. You've made me scared.

The only glimmer of joy you bring is when I speak to my doctor. I won't let her call you by your name. I make a Johns Hopkin's grad giggle when she is forced to call you "sucktacy".

I can tell you this, I will fight you as best as I can.

So back the fuck off! I am not ready.

With much disposition,
Honey

Worlds Collide

This blog has been months in the writing. The body of this blog was the first to be written and came easy for me but there was so much to be said, so many people. This beginning came not so easy, how do you compile so many thoughts into a blog at once. I was thinking all along that this blog is written strictly about my "SL" friends. It came to me in a dream last night and it hit me...everyone I met in SL is now a part of my RL, they are in my heart.

My dream was simple, yet beautiful. I was standing in my virtual home as my RL self writing trivia (go figure). I got an IM from Mako, and it simply said, "You need to see what I found, Honey" and a teleport followed. I waited to rez (of course) and then it started to focus and there was sunshine, butterflies, trees, grass and a large lake. Birds were singing in the background and Mako said "follow me". I followed him over a hill and there she stood, this big beautiful dog. It was my great dane, Kayleigh. (for those that don't know, I lost her earlier this year to kidney failure) Her ears stood up, and her head tilted a little sideways like it always did and she started to run at me, all 200 beautiful lbs of her.

I haven't been the same since I lost her, not in RL or SL. She took a big piece of me with her when she left as well as instilling regrets that I should have spent more time with her before she was taken away. Might sound a little crazy that a dog can do that to a person, but we had such a wonderful connection. A connection only God himself could grant and a part of me knows deep down that I will most likely never have that connection with anything again.

My worlds collided in that dream last night and it emphasized to me that SL is merely a form of communicating with people in my RL heart. So this brings me to the main purpose of the blog...people I have met and what they mean to me.

Mako - When you speak to me, regardless of the topic...you are sincere. It might be why my subconscious chose you in the dream. When we talk and interact, I genuinely get the feeling that you care. You brought back trivia monkeys to me as well as your kind words when I need them. You are super intelligent, funny, talented, and you don't crumble under what is to be the "norm". You have gained a great respect from me and I am proud to say you are my friend.

Scotty - Smiles just typing your name. I knew you best as Scotty and now you are the avie with 100,000 alts. You were my very first SL friend. I met you at a place that is still alive and kickin, Goldbar. I flew there straight from rezzing in world (after I found some hair and clothing). You helped me, you got me my first real skin and gave me my first gift, a very pretty ruby necklace. You showed me how to fly, explore and have fun. And you tp'd me to Trivia Monkeys one night which I am sincerely grateful.

Thorn - You kind of took me under your wing in the beginning. You showed me MP for the first time and have always been one of the kindest people I have ever met. You are generous and loyal and smart as a whip. You are the only avie that has not changed appearance since I have been in world and I kind of appreciate that, its refreshing and at the same time comforting. (heh, I still have the pointy cone boobs contest pic of you)

Reke - One of the nicest, most genuine people you will meet. So nice to the point where semi-jaded people like me seem to think their are ulterior motives for your actions sometimes. You have been a very loyal friend to me, through thick and thin and I love you for it. You came all the way to Maryland after I had surgery and helped me through it when I had no one else. You are a rare gem of a person and I am very rich for knowing you.

Will - My Danish friend :) You brought me a lot of fun with the "True/False" game we used to host together. You were generous and very complimenting to me. You were my first ever friend from SL that shared his Facebook page with me and I felt so special back then for that. You aren't in SL as much as you used to be, but don't think for one second that I don't think of you often.

Josh - We met at Trivia Monkeys way back and have remained friends through the years. You are a voice of reason when I need it. You are passionate with your feelings as I am and sometimes tend to display this outwardly, like I do. Right, wrong or indifferent, it shows heart and feeling and caring. You show loyalty to those you care for and you are very forgiving of mistakes. You are one of the few that wears their RL info on their sleeve as I do. I am an open book in-world. I can appreciate that a lot. It makes me feel less different. :)

Circe - What can I say about you that everyone doesn't already have the pleasure of knowing. You are funny, caring and have a genuine heart of gold. You are by far, without comparison, one of the sweetest people I have ever met. On your very worst days, you are kinder than 95% of human beings. You have been there for me without judgment and have helped me through sadness and I am so thankful to have you as a friend.

Geoff - We met in late 2007 and I was so smitten by you at the time. You had all your stuff together and you are so smart. You still blow me away every time we speak. If ever I have an SL question, you were so helpful. Heh, you gave me my first SL guitar. I still have it! You did one of the nicest tings for me early on. You were going to be in-world less and you actually came to me and told me that. I can't tell you what that meant to me. When those in-world disappear, it causes worry to those who care for them. You were kind enough to tell me up front and I thank you for that. I miss seeing you like back then and I can tell you one thing, I am sorry for those who have yet to get to know you. You are a wonderful man.

Lou - I was kind of going in chronological order until now. But Geoff is the reason I have been graced with meeting you. From my understanding, he is the smart one who talked you into joining SL. I, for one, am so glad he did. You are smart and funny and you care about people. You tell stories about gigs, and music, and squirrels (hehe) You take your time to show people things and discuss issues that are important to them. (Like the other night, showing us the sculpties and how they work and will be beneficial) You help people out whenever you can and they might not always thank you, but the work you do is important, the help you give is needed by many. Great things come in small packages ;)

Nathan - You and I used to have so much fun together exploring. We had a deal that no pose ball would go untried, and I was challenged to try to sit on every object in SL (which I still do by the way). We explored so many awesome places and I signed off each night laughing and smiling. You would come to dance with me when no one else would and were always so kind. I know you left SL and the reasons you left. I have been following your recovery on facebook and I respect the hell out of your strength. Your family is truly blessed as are your friends to have such an incredible man in their presence. I wish you a happy life, my friend, a very happy life.

Jynks & Trin - You two girls brought/still bring many many smiles to my face. You take crap from no one lol. You are individuals and do not conform to what things should be, you show me loyalty and love and compassion. You are both two of the dearest friends a girl can ask for.

Rach - Can't mention the above two without this one. They were a matching set at one time :) Rachotron is silly, and funny, and spunky! I still have your Christmas card hanging on my refrigerator. I look at it every time I walk into my kitchen and I smile because of you. I admire your new found career and miss you in-world as much as you used to be. You so rock!

Edmond & Tapper - You both are the sweetest people. You have cheered me up on more than one occasion. You make a lot of sadness go away when people are around you. Edmond, I was shocked and at the same time never lmao so hard than the night you rezzed the tattooed picture of my ass on a 10x10 in the middle of shiraz. I wear that tattoo a lot lol.

Darren - We clicked as good friends right away. Your sense of humor and big brother type defending has always made me smile. You try hard to make my days happier. You left SL for quite a while and didn't tell me you returned as another avie because you were afraid I would be mad at you. Friends understand, Darren. People make mistakes but true friends overlook all of that and see the real you.

Lette - I admire the work you put into the events within SL. You might only have 1 regular weekly event (chaos) but you make all the games of your friends as well as other games throughout the grid. You have great creative ideas for different games and plan and organize Bucc Bowl along with Thorn and Lill. Thanks for all you do!

Lillian - I used to be so jealous of you lol, you were an SL model, one of the most gorgeous avies I ever laid my eyes on. I am glad I got to know you over time. You are spunky, funny, intelligent, and you are loved. Lillian, you are genuine....the kind of person that oozes, "I am who I am, take it or leave cause I ain't changing"...I will take you as you are, gladly :) You emphasize individualism and creativity. I am so glad you are a part of my SL.

Lucinda - You are kind and sweet and I am only sorry that we haven't gotten to know each other better. You share some of the same SL passions I do, helping new people. I appreciate you.

Luce - You are probably the most ambitious person I have met in world and I truly admire how much emphasis you put on your schooling, your discipline and determination. You are blunt and to the point on issues. You speak your mind and you come in-world to simply have fun and let me tell you...I lmao that last weekend lol. I needed that laughter. :)

Cygnoir - You have always been so very kind to me. Always nice things to say to those around you. Silly puns that make people smile. Your avie is even so darn cute to look at. You share your RL blog with us as well as your love for FunkyPlaid which is at times so refreshing and comforting. Thanks so much for walking into my SL :)

Olmstead - Your friendliness and loyalty is like no other, just like your typos. You are the admiral as Juke calls you. You are one of the dearest people to me in-world and it is not because you have shared RL information with me, not even for hanging out and laughing, but simply because of your presense. I would love to know the RL you because I would bet a year's salary it would be worth it. I can remember back to the day when you didnt want to "add" friends and I respected that. It touched me so much the day you added me to your friends list :) I think the world of you and my SL wouldn't be the same without you in it.

Rexx & Stella - Having AMS there, a place of refuge was always a great thing for me. I am thankful to you that it is still up and operating. Stella, I remember sitting at a greedy table with you night after night at AMS for months while I was hurting. You took the time to talk to me, to listen, it was so so nice of you as you didnt even know me at the time. You didnt have to do this, but you did. SL is for fun, not to listen to some chick whine lol. But you did, and I am thankful for this.

Browman - Always asking me how I am doing, always friendly and smart. Sharing what movies are on tv so I have a clue when to turn the tv on :) You are the cutest puppy in world. On rare occasions, you become the titanic and that always cracks me up. I also vaguely remember dancing with you as a duck on Easter lol. Thanks for being who you are :)

Becki - Your puns crack me up, sometimes even more if they get on Mako's nerves :P You are so smart and witty and quick on responses. I enjoy your pictures on plurk and I am happy that you share them with us. Your RL surroundings are the surroundings that some of us dream of having. You travel and share those stories with us also, I miss not seeing you in world much but if it means you are out taking pictures of the beauty of life it is worth it. I am so happy that we have become friends.

Alanna - You are kind and sweet and always willing to lend an ear. You care about people and it shows. Please don't ever change that about yourself. It is a rare find these days and those around you find that in you.

Kronos - You are a little spitfire and teddy bear rolled into one person. You are like my SL son sometimes and that is a huge compliment btw. You are genuine, not jaded. You are loyal and caring and you have a heart of gold. You will do things to benefit the ones you care about even though you hurt yourself in the process. For those of us that love you, its very hard to watch sometimes but wouldn't change who you are for all the money in the world. I love you.

Juke - A sweetheart, grouch and silly man. You are my guardian angel. You truly are. You never lack a hug or a kind word to me. You seem to know better than anyone else when something bothers me and you jump right on repairing it. I only hope that I can be half the friend to you as you are to me. I love you.

Billy - There is too much to write here and you know how I feel :)

Recently, there have been so many riffs, fallouts, misunderstandings, break-ups, finger-pointings, whatever label you want to put on it. Some may even be totally oblivious that their choices in-world hurt others. This statement is general, not pointing out anyone here. I recently got a private plurk from a friend. This friend was upset because I neglected to mention a few people's names when I started breeding my fish. It was implied that maybe it has to do with one of the riffs/things that divided people. This has really sorta bothered me and really hit me that I need to say things to people so they know what they mean to me. I rushed to finish this blog piece in the meantime.
As I finished writing the last few lines, I received a gift out of the blue from in SL and and a copy/pasted comment from a talking panda that had me cracking up. This little gesture, this random kindness was from Jynks...no other reason than to make me smile, to be a friend, to be who she is. She has singlehandedly made my entire day with this gesture and although I just told her this, she probably doesn't really know exactly what she means to me.
I know that so many of my friends are not listed above. I know this might upset some people, or possibly even make them mad but I have to say it for myself. Please do not take offense but accept it in the spirit it is meant to be given.
I have a lot of love in my heart for all of you.

Sharing this song with you:
A Stone's Throw Away (Candlebox)

Did I feel this way back then?
Did you wake up to the sound of pouring rain?
Fading days of blue rush past your eyes
Would you lose yourself in someone else's vain?
Or should you shout your mind out when the loss began?
High until you washed away
It's all the same
I realized it through this song
I sing out loud and call your name
Do you feel I'm only someone you could never ever know?
In it all you'll find, you see you're not that far from me
So walk and hold your head up high
A stone's throw away
I feel right now like I felt way back then
The center of my life I lost it all
Never ever knew how much I'd loved until you left, you're gone
Fell right now like I was chasing you the same way
High until you washed away
It's all the same
I realized it through this song
Sing out loud and call your name
Do you feel the only someone you could never ever know?
In it all you find, you see you're not that far from me
To walk and hold your head up high
A stone's throw away
I would like this stone to roll
High until i washed it all away
It's all the same
I realized it through this song
Sing out loud and call my name
Do you feel the only someone you could never ever know
In it all you find
You see you're not that far from me to walk and hold your head up high
A stone's throw away
You're just a stone's throw away
Never knew how much I'd loved until you're gone
Never knew how much I'd love until you're gone away

How do you console a parent?

I sit here at my desk falling apart as my RL is suddenly overwhelming me. I just got off the telephone with my Dad. He called me this morning to tell me that he had to have his little dog put down. This little dog is my Dad's only companion, only friend. My Dad was in tears and could barely form words. The last and only ever time I ever saw or heard my Dad cry was the day that my Mom passed away. It is extremely hard and heart-wrenching for a daughter to hear her father fall apart like this. It was somehow easier to console him after my Mom's passing. We spent five agonizing month's prior to her passing in hospitals and nursing homes, morphine drips and her not even knowing who I was. The day she passed, I had readied myself. Shortly before she took her last breath, she recognized me and was coherent. She made me promise to take care of my Dad and to not let him fall apart after she leaves. I promised this. When she passed, I never shed a tear. I couldn't, I promised to be the strong one.

Today, hearing him, I was at a loss for words. I tried so fucking hard to hold myself together for him and I failed miserably. The loss of my Kayleigh is still so fresh that I cry just about every night. I don't even get much sleep yet as she slept right next to my side. You tend to notice when 200 lbs of dog is missing in bed next to you.

I don't know how to console my Dad this time without falling apart too. I am at a complete loss. I will probably turn to my son to help me with this as he and my Dad are very close.

I am also reminded that all of the petty things that happen in RL or SL are just that....petty (not meaningless, just small in the grand scheme of life and what truly matters).

Bon Voyage

I like to imagine that you heart is a vessel floating on what seems to be the endless river of life. The river will eventually end as life always does. There are great obstacles in the river, raging rapids, dead spots, pools, turns, unexpected adventures and beautiful scenery. A tugboat starts the journey pushing you out into the river to begin your life's work, eventually disengaging but not far behind.

As you learn to steer and navigate the vessel down the river of life, you notice the empty seats in your vessel. These seats represent open spaces in your heart, you choose who sits in them. Those given a chance to sit in one of the limited seats are given your trust and respect as you hope that they won't do anything to damage the vessel or overturn your life.

During stages of your life, you anchor up along shore and decide to graduate to a larger vessel, one that holds more seating...one that allows you to share more of yourself with more passengers. As days, months, years...go on and on, you pass other boats on the river. Seeing others struggle on the river, making the choice whether or not to help them, bail them out if you will....letting them sink or swim. This river is full of choices, both good and bad.

You come across special passengers on this river, those passengers have special seating on your vessel. You trust these passengers to steer and navigate for you when you can't. Sometimes even when you can because you allow them to do so out of great love and respect. Just as you choose the passengers to ride along on your journey, these same passengers make the choice whether to stay or to jump overboard, bailing out...for various reasons. Some leave with a graceful dive off the side, while others proceed to damage and overturn your vessel. The turmoil involved with this overturned vessel can be painful and you struggle to right the vessel with all that you are...your other passengers are by your side struggling just as hard to help you right your life and patch the damage caused by this passenger's departure.

The departing passengers leave empty seats to be filled, they leave behind pieces of luggage probably never to be claimed again. You store their luggage in a little compartment in the back of the boat, a lost and found of sorts....occasionally you open the compartment to remember what you have stored there, remembering those that left...hopefully with fond memories.

Navigating the river and watching the things that occur on the journey teach us lessons such as, "everything happens for a reason" or "when one passenger departs, another might want to come aboard...but so often we spend the time looking for that person that jumped over that we don't see the other that is floating by with their hand out to you to help them aboard."

Over the last year, I have dealt with the death of friends and a pet, illness, surgeries, failed relationships...but I have also felt friendship over this past year like I never have before in my life. I've heard the above mentioned lessons before but they never really sunk into my head and my heart until recently.

My "second" life as it is referred to, I call my "extended" life. Its a form of communication for me, a part of my social circle and extended family. My friendships and my feelings are every bit as real as they are with face-to-face people. I dislike using the terms RL or Real Life, as being there "in-world" is an extension of who I am. I have deadlines there, jobs to do, dates, parties to attend... Some people claim to separate their feelings in each world, I am not sure how they do it or if I even want to know.

On 02/08/2010, I almost walked away from my extended life out of sorrow and hurt. I even cancelled my hosting for 02/09/2010. I signed onto plurk on the 10th to read a private plurk from Lette showing me what was done in place of my trivia and it touched me more than you will ever know....in the moments that I read the transcript, I felt friendship from all of you like I have never experienced before....."everything happens for a reason."

In Oct 2009, a friend copied a plurk into a notecard that she thought I should read regarding an incident that happened at Shiraz. I still managed there at the time. I joined plurk back in July 09 but never really looked at it after that until I got this copied plurk via notecard. This notecard brought me back into plurk where I have gotten to know a lot of you more than I have in the 2+ years of my extended life....."everything happens for a reason."

Another moment took place before I resigned from the club, I met one of the strongest, sincere people that I have ever met in my life. I play a HUD based, gridwide "kill" game. I had always set it to dormant while I hosted each time as I couldn't host and fully watch the HUD at the same time. For some reason, I decided to keep my HUD active as I hosted that night. This person TPs into the club that night and I see him on my HUD, also active. I hit the kill button on the HUD and killed him...IMs proceeded back and forth from there, talking a little trash as kills only last 30 minutes. Luckily, I killed him again haha. Leaving my HUD active that night was the beginning of my beautiful friendship with Kronos....."everything happens for a reason."

It's amazing how wonderful you feel when you realize things, when they finally click to you....when it all makes perfect sense. I look back at people and instances that occurred and am so very thankful. I know people have these reps to uphold in my "extended life" but I am calling some of you out anyway.....

Mako, that Thursday night that you hosted with me and my broken heart at Monochrome...you were so kind to me, so understanding. The fact that you built NTM off of some comment I made about wanting to go back to the way it used to be. It means so much to me and I am thankful to have you in my extended life.

Lette, I remember the first night you showed up at the club for trivia. You have single-handedly said some of the nicest things to me and about me. You are so creative and talented and it is a blessing to have you in my extended life.

Juke, you have a knack for feeling the pain of others and for making them feel better about themselves. I have you to thank for so much and when I say you are a guardian angel to me, I mean it.

Circe, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there to listen to me. I will never forget the friendship you have shown to me.

Stella, omg Stella...I am not sure you realize just how much you make people laugh. Laughter is such an important thing and to be a person that possesses the natural ability to make others laugh is a wonderful thing. I wouldn't trade the time I have been able to get to know you for anything.

I wish that I could write forever about all of you in my extended life. There are so many moments thus far that have moved me.

The most recent occurrence on my journey took place a couple weeks ago. I righted my overturned vessel with the help of my friends just as this beautiful soul came into my life. I am not sure exactly what I did right in this world to deserve the happiness that I am feeling or to deserve the mere opportunity to get to know such a wonderful man. Billy, I am grateful to you for this chance and I thank you for being who you are.

I am a better person for having known each of my friends, especially those friends in my extended life who have chosen to stay as passengers in my vessel. You all make my life a better place.

Holiday Blues

Tonight I realized on my way home from work...things in my life felt differently for the first time in a while.

Some of you may know my RL, while some do not. I never have a problem sharing with anyone in my SLife, I just do not volunteer it as I have a hard time talking about myself. This blog will help me overcome that. In my SLife, earlier in 2009, my best friend Nate left my SL world due to cancer. He is recovering well in RL, but I miss him terribly...no one could make me "lol" like he could. In the middle of 2009, I lost my partner when I couldn't take on an RL with him, he in turn left SL. I then decided to leave my SL job of two years which left me without the home I knew for so long...my comfort spot in my SLife. All the while, going through a very nasty, torturous, abusive divorce in RL (ongoing since 2007). 2009 totally sucked for me.

Today was my department luncheon in RL and gift exchange with my coworkers and staff. I got random gifts from staff, coworkers, and my boss. None of the gifts screamed, "Joelle, I know you and I knew this would be perfect for you!" I got candy, a sweatshirt that reads 'Mistletoe Tester' (not a joke), a bottle of champagne (wtf do I have to celebrate), as well as other various small items. While its the thought that counts, I realized none of them truly know me. We have good times, laughs, and conversation but I hold back personal info to them moreso than in my SLife. (go figure)

After our luncheon and exchange of one-on-one gifts, we had this crazy gift exchange where everyone brings an anonymous gift and we draw numbers to see who picks first and then the second person to go can open a gift or steal from person number 1. Its usually a lot of fun for me, but today, I just sat there watching with thoughts of feeling sorry for myself running through my head. Knowing full well a week from today I will be sitting in my house, alone, not having that special someone's gift to open and worse yet, no one to give a special gift to.

A co-worker called out "number 13", I know, yeah of all numbers for me to draw. I got up and walked over to the gift table and grabbed a nicely wrapped box and opened it. It was a gift set of Bailey's Irish Creme. I know my face lit up as I just love the stuff. I also knew deep down that I wouldn't end up with it, alcohol always gets stolen from you in this game. I went back to my seat with a smile on my face and held that in my arms like I was cradling a baby or something.

They went through another 25 numbers, more alcohol came into play and it was getting stolen, but no one touched mine. I don't think any of them had the heart to actually.

While I could easily stop at the store on my way home and replace it, there was something about this $20 gift that was just making my whole day, my whole year. The game ended and it was mine. I had dreams and plans for this bottle.

Before leaving work, I changed into my new 'mistletoe tester' sweatshirt, packed up my gifts and headed to the elevator. Briefly running my grocery list through my mind as I needed to stop on my way home. (14-20 inches of snow coming so they say) I got to the store which was packed btw, and proceeded to grab dogfood, salad and ramen soup. (I just love ramen lol) Got a few funny looks and comments from other shoppers about my newly acquired sweatshirt, not such a bad gift after all. It made me chuckle a couple of times. After leaving, I went and got a pizza (my favorite food) and headed home.

I realized that I had just planned the perfect date for myself. A bottle of my favorite liqueur, my favorite food and plans of being snowed in for the weekend. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't dreading the weekend and wishing I had just stayed at work. It feels pretty damn good!

Not to mention looking forward to both trivia events I cohost tomorrow. Although I still won't have that special someone come Dec. 25th, I am not alone. I have great friends, friends that are never to busy to chat with me, say hello, dance, laugh...and best of all, they know me. I don't have to feel blue...I have a SLife.

Disheartening

Its 2am and I can't sleep cause my heart is hurting. I miss the days of "Trivia Monkeys", when trivia players weren't associated with venues, where they were all respected, liked and judged simply for who they were. My SL was a lot happier back then.

When I rezzed over 2 years ago and found my fellow trivia monkeys (Circe, Mako, Josh - to name a few), I never dreams that those friendships would have lasted all this time. I can't say the same about a lot of RL acquaintances I make.

I sit here contemplating whether or not it is worth it to stay with my current SL job...yeah I know, silly...right? Not so much silly when I feel this horrible about it in RL. No matter what my hosting abilities, personality, respect, no matter my number of friends, quality or quantity of questions...I am labelled second class due to my employ.

I was really hurt yesterday at DS by what I considered a lack of respect for my feelings by some of my friends. I don't mind the occasional Tuck bashing as I do it myself but I was hurt by the bashing of the club. He may own and have physically built that club but the staff made it what it is today.

Had the comments started out mentioning Mr Tuck, I would have been cool with it but a new person simply mentioned that they were going to the club later. It wasn't right or nice for everyone to join in, including the host. I would never dream of doing that to any other venue as it would hurt the hosts personally...their potential tips and crowd, possibly new friends.

On 12/03/09, I will hit my 2 year trivia hosting anniversary in SL. Shiraz was one of the few places to host back then. Hosting isn't easy, as most of you know, and there was a time that I was doing it 6-7 days a week. I stayed there for the staff, for the players I have grown to love, and the new people I have tried to help.....not for the owner.

Over the years, I have fought his business practices and won more battles than I have lost...staff can now play trivia and host other venues if they wish. I have worked really hard to make things better there but after yesterday's comments, it seems to no avail.

The banning, the copy/pasted messages, the stupid (creepy) IMs he sends - it is him, not Shiraz. Shiraz is the staff, the players, a home place to a lot of people....its two years of my life.